HALLOWEEK DAY 4: Sad Goose's Top 5 Most Haunted Dairy Products

Top 5 Most Haunted Dairy Products

Compiled by Luke Hauge, Clair Willden, and Lore Andreassen

On our fourth day of Halloweek, the Sad Goose editorial team collaborated with Emissary of Spook: Lore Andreassen (other titles on request) to present our definitive, peer-reviewed list of the most haunted common dairy products. You wouldn’t believe what we went through to create this list, but it’s 100% the case that we made Clair put her whole hand in every single dairy product mentioned on this list. Check entry #3 if you’re curious about why Clair’s right hand is just bones now.

We’ve compiled our findings below!

5: Yogurt

It’s been nearly ninety-three years since 121 people — artists, performers, students, professors, parents — stepped inside the Almareda Street Warehouse for a party.

The death of the 6-score-and-4 echoes throughout the community, even now, generations later.

At 11:32 p.m. on Dec. 31, 1899, a chill descended upon the dance party and quickly spread throughout the abandoned warehouse. Initially, between the Liszt-style bacchanalia, the chill was a welcome relief from the gyrating heat. However, within minutes, more than forty of the guests had succumbed to hypothermia. Rumors abounded in the following years that a ghostly presence had entered the then-defunct milking apparati which adorned the back wall. Examiners concluded, however, that the ancient refrigeration unit had struggled to life and began to slowly freeze the inhabitants from the inside out. And, of course, the heavy doors quickly iced over, trapping the remaining members of the dance inside.

The town, in mourning, desired a monument to their fallen loved ones. However, disturbing the icey remains was too much to bear - so for an entire generation, the factory was sealed and abandoned - left cooled to prevent the decay of their lost loved ones.

In the early 30s, a gentleman known only as Yoshi Carwardine came to town. After investigating the simple wooden plaque outside the factory, and hearing the stories of those who remained in the town, he committed himself to a solution.

For forty tireless nights he worked.

Then, without a trace, he vanished.

Exactly one year and one day later, he returned. He brought with him a machine. A simple machine. He attached it to the side of the building, and turned it on. Engraved on the side of the machine, the words "Yoshi’s Inaugural Hyvitalizer" glowed for the townspeople. They drew back from it, quaking.

"It will slowly compress the spiritual energies of those inside the building, and then we can distill it - so they become part of this town for all time," Yoshi said.

The townspeople did not wish to touch the device or engage with such mechanical witchcraft so they drove him from the town.

But the machine…it continued to whir.

Flash forward to 1970.

A business tycoon whose name has been lost to time came to town looking to expand his industrial dairy production. The warehouse seemed perfect for his planned dairy expansion. Stumbling through the overgrown weeds around the outside, he found an ancient, rusted machine still attached to the side of the building...

He opened the warehouse door, pleasantly surprised to find it unlocked - and found an airless, empty floor. Perfect to fill with cows and get to milking.

Well, you know the rest.

The cows, for years, produced only a thick, oily substance. Nothing like milk. Nigh inedible. Completely unwanted.

The tycoon spoke to an ancient, decrepit librarian. Glancing around furtively, she took him to the ancient device and told him the story of Old Yoshi.

The letters had worn from the machine. And the tycoon had an idea.

With the same kind of mercilessness he'd learned to apply to business, he cruelly turned on his new old ally. He murdered the librarian. And modified the machine.

He marveled at the remaining engraved letters.

Yo gur t

And the liquid extruded from that building is enjoyed countrywide to this day!

We all know the feeling of opening a Walmart brand yogurt and having to wait to start eating until it's done with it's RealsCream™ banshee holler. If you listen closely, you can hear the original screams. You can hear the moos.

4. Milk (All Types)

Skim milk has a bad reputation because, for obvious reasons, it contains significantly less spookoids per gallon than other milks. However, not many people know that these days, almost every skim milk you can buy at your grocery store is ghost-filtered and enhanced with ectoplasm to meet federal standards for creepiness and mild horror.

2% milk is a liminal milk. Have you ever noticed how fragile, metaphysically, 2% drinkers are? They stand on the threshold between our world and the spirit world, so they, like their milk, live a watered-down existence.

Whole milk is the most ghost-dense milk.

Almond milk Milk purists won’t be happy to see a nut milk on this list, but dieticians have determined that high-quality almond milk is about 80% as haunted as traditional milk. This is because almonds are the most easily frightened nuts. Vegans rejoice!

3. Cottage Cheese

You open a fresh new tub of cottage cheese. Cheese water drips off of the plastic lid. You lower your nose to the mass of quivering white lumps and take in a big whiff. Satisfied with the olfactory experience, you make loving eye contact with the Cheese and wait--what is that is it--is it breathing? 

Of course cottage cheese comes in at #3 on this list because, as we all know, a Cottaged Cheese should be allowed out of its enchanted container--its cottage--once per day to achieve maximum lumpiness. Be sure not to stick your finger in too deep! The All-Consuming Cheese might just bite it off and incorporate it into its almighty stomach. (Trust us! We know).

2. Whey

Luke, Spookmeister Lore, and Clair were horrified to learn that there are not just one, but TWO types of curdled cheese drippings. Whey comes in two separately cursed varieties:

A product made by good strong cheeses (like cheddar), sweet whey is haunted in the same way that Casper the Friendly Ghost can be called a ghost: nominally but not functionally. Anything made of curdled cheese drippings is bound to be haunted, but we can hardly stay afraid of a product with “sweet” in the title.

On the other hand, sour whey is created from other extremely haunted products, such as the mighty Cottaged Cheese and the condensed souls within all yogurt. These haunted energies combined give whey an extremely high concentration of paranormal power.

Imagine, if you will, that you’re a gentleman living in the mid 18th century. Your wig is coiffed, your coat is shiny, and you’ve firmly cemented yourself as foppish but like...a good fop. You strike out for a cool drink with the lads. What do you choose to drink? Beer? Honey wine? Or alcoholic cheese sweat? Whey uses its paranormal power to compel good, hardworking and honest people to do its dark bidding. Why else do you think people would purchase strawberry-flavored Bulk-Buster Muscle-Building cheese-piss dust?

Honorable Mentions

Clotted Cream: Despite the manifest horror invoked by literally every image of clotted cream, our sources informed us that clotted cream is not, in fact, cursed and is, in fact, delightful. However, it is eaten by the English and so we must include it as an honorable mention.

MOOM: More questions than answers. Initially we had been intending to publish a brief, humorous account of this 2002-2003 South Dakotan milk-based soda product, but the story that emerged over the course of our research was wildly unexpected, and the editorial team has decided that any further discussion of MOOM would be not only inappropriate for this list but also potentially dangerous.

And finally...

1. Cheese Curds

FACT: No one has ever felt healthier, more emotionally stable, or cleaner after eating even a single cheese curd.

 

FACT: No matter where you buy your cheese curds, you are, metaphysically, standing in a gas station parking lot as you consume them.

FACT: The squeak a cheese curd makes when you bite into it is the squeak of despair.

Find more Halloweek content here.