Every Important State: Ranked
Written by Clair Willden
11. Dubbed the only midwestern state: Ohio!
Ohio made this list because according to all media, it is The Midwestern State. All Ryan Murphy knows is write about how much he hates Ohio. I have probably seven distinct songs in my Spotify library that reference the desperate desire to leave Ohio. If it were not for Ohio’s deep devotion to utter mediocrity, would we even have art?
10. Texas
Texas is important in that it makes me, personally, feel rage. Why is this state over 800 miles long. Why is the western half made exclusively of dust and the eastern half so humid that it’s impossible to breathe. Why did a rat run over my body when I slept on a beach in Corpus Christi. Why did God create such a terrible place. Is Texas important? Sure. But at what cost!
9. Kansas
Look, I apologize for this one, but Haley threatened me with the memory of her recently dead father who fucking loved Kansas so it can be important this once. For Jerry.
8. Nebraska
At first, second, third, and all subsequent glances, Nebraska and Kansas are the same. They’re both obsessed with corn. They both have several cows. Honestly, it’s not fair to put one without the other on this list, so anyway. Nebraska.
7. Montana
The Big Sky state is a loneliness enthusiast’s dream. Do you wish to never see a single other car on the road? Do you wish to look up at the sky and ponder how small you are in comparison to the universe? Do you ever begrudgingly go out to social events and think If any of you even look at me, I’ll lose it? If you answered yes to all three of these questions, then Montana is the state for you. One time, we drove so far in Montana without seeing a gas station or another living person that we thought we were in legitimate danger of running out of gas and being eaten by some unknown cowboy-themed cannibal cult. So get on up to Montana today!
6. California
California is the setting of Big Little Lies which is the best media out there about the truly feral nature of rich white women, so that automatically moved it up a couple spots. California maintains this middling position on the list, however, because while it gives us such iconic personalities as those fucked up little cartoon raisins, it also is the state of Top Cop and that big Scientology building. It can stay, just not at the top of the list.
5. Plasma
Every state-lover can appreciate the subtle beauty of the most common state of matter in the universe: Plasma. These hot ‘n’ spicy gases that have done the right thing and let go of their electrons don’t have to be so bangin’, but here they are. Any plasma enthusiast will recognize the right of plasma to be high on this list because the sun, our hottest and sluttiest little star, is a plasma herself.
4. Maine
“Minds its business; lobster.” --Migratory Contributor Haley Parson
3. Oregon
The Goonies were right when they said “It’s their time, it’s their time..up there...but it’s our time, it’s our time...down here.” I feel Oregon’s placement needs no further elaboration.
2. Colorado
The gorgeous mountains and misty plains of Colorado will have any landscape artist scrambling for their paints. Colorado, which you may recognize from the video game Horizon Zero Dawn or from the only Stephen King novel NOT set in Maine (The Shining), boasts places both haunted and metaphysically neutral. If you’re looking for a place to experience two ends of any spectrum, Colorado is the state for you.
1. New Mexico
New Mexico...my beloved...