The Thing Which Dwells Beneath Your Bed

 You side with The Thing Which Dwells Beneath Your Bed

The particular angle of a shadow deep across your room signals a presence, as does the way a scarf hangs from the top branch of your coat tree, its long arm dangling down almost to the floor, performing irregular and organic movements at disconcerting intervals. The Thing has arrived. When your bare feet touch the naked floorboards, you have entered its realm. When you bend down to peek underneath your bed, you feel its breath on your face. Your body is numb as you lie down beside the bed, eyes straining against the darkness. This is the first moment that you, in your short and fragile life, will ever receive an honest opinion on whether you should stain or paint your kitchen cabinets.

The Thing Which Dwells Beneath Your Bed likewise dwells beneath every bed, most basements, and a significant number of sinks throughout the world’s houses, and has always done so. The Thing is rightly proud of the amount of time it has spent in silent observation of our houses, and it has strong opinions on not just color coordination and weatherproofing but also architectural style and market trends. The Thing suggests that you ask it for advice more often, because, as an endlessly patient being of pure darkness, it will respect your ultimate design choices and, in fact, is perfectly aware of your coupon book’s location--provided the coupon book does, in fact, lie in shadow. (Editor’s note: Fear not, it is the nature of all coupon books to lie in shadow.)

The Thing promises that its selection as Supreme Thing Which Goes Bump in the Night will be a triumph for the causes of affordable housing, anti-light pollution legislation, and universal free podiatry. The thing has offered as proof of its civic-mindedness its eternal work making children mildly nervous after their lights are turned out. This service, it claims, prevents the children from wandering the house willy-nilly and thus protects working parents from potentially severe child-induced sleep deprivation. Various individuals and groups have, during this campaign season, disputed this claim’s merit, but they have invariably been swallowed up by the yawning mouth of darkness and their arguments have thus been invalidated.

Not satisfied with this candidate? Choose another!
Amalythia, Priestess of the Nine Realms, High Witch of the Swamp
L.O.R.A.X.
Naunet, Lost Child of the Nile
Phillip Jaruzelski, Wererat
Raul, the Specter Who Haunts Ricky’s Outspokin Tires
“Cool Ghoul” Ramona Saunders
Satan
The Thing Which Dwells Beneath Your Bed
Vernon Maladaise, The Poker